My Life

Freshman year I decided to play basketball and I hated it, I was very self conscious and didn’t take criticism well, and my coach was fairly critical and I didn’t like what he had to say. I was never a very fast kid and so when we would run sprints at the end of practice, I would always be last and the entire team would have to run extra sprints because of me. I was also sick at the time so that made me even slower, driving my self-esteem down even lower. Along with that one of my friends told me that my coach, who was also a teacher had said some things about in one of my classes. I became extremely angry when I thought about it, but also hurt.

Sophomore year was a great year. I was developing great friendships with guys that were in my small group at K-Life and was blessed to have older guys like Nate Friend and Bryan Ratanasin pouring into my life and showing me that I mattered. My relationship with Christ started to develop and I had a desire to know Him better.

I got a job at REI with Joe Miller before junior year and had a ton of fun working there. It allowed me to buy outdoor stuff so I could go backpacking, skiing, biking, and a ton of other stuff that I had loved doing. And I was able to do it with great friends which was such a blessing.

Junior year Joe Miller and I got pulled over for ‘racing’ it really bothered me and I put a ton of stress on myself. I thought about it a lot and was somewhat consumed by the incident.

In March of my junior year I went to Guatemala on the K-CO mission trip. It was an incredible experience and I met a ton of awesome people and got to serve the Lord in a real which way which I had never really experienced before. K-CO was a blessing in my life then, and has continued to be a blessing today.

Around September of my senior year of my best friend from elementary Blake Mara committed suicide. It tore me up inside, I didn’t understand what would drive someone to do that and felt terrible about how depressed a person must be to do that.

I got into Baylor early senior year and I was super excited. I really wanted to go there and couldn’t wait to start college. I was ready for a fresh start and felt great about my decision to go to Baylor.

The small group I had been apart of since freshman year started to grow more distant. I don’t really know the reasons for this. Half of the guys in the group started to party and smoke pot, and I didn’t really want to be a part of it but we still hung out just as much during school and even after. I think a bigger reason was that I started to push people away unknowingly. I started to develop perfectionist tendencies and became consumed with getting in really good shape and doing well in school.

In March of my senior year I went to Rwanda which was such a cool experience, but I remember vividly a time when we were at a church service with everyone dancing and I remember feeling this heaviness on my heart. It is really hard to describe, but this was the first time I remember feeling this way, but I ignored how I felt and continued to do what I was doing. I also remember when I was working at camp a specific moment when I was doing a quiet time feeling this darkness in my heart. I had kind of felt it before, but in the moment I was acutely aware of this heaviness. I knew it had been building for a little while, but just pushed it back down and went on my day.

I was incredibly fortunate that I found a couple of good friends at Baylor, especially Brian Schwarzlose. We randomly met in a class and became great friends throughout the year. I would have been so lonely if I didn’t have him to hang out with, and have been fortunate enough to still visit Waco once a year to hang out.

Baylor was hard for me, but I didn’t really recognize it until a specific moment in early January after Christmas break. I had been exercising way too much over break because I didn’t have school work to hold be back. I got back to classes and told myself that I had to continue to exercise as much as I had and was working hard in classes. I burned myself out after a week and broke down crying when I came to the realization that I had a problem. I had been denying it for a long time, but finally realized I needed help. It led to a very difficult semester as I struggled with depression, and eventually decided to transfer to CU.

The decision to transfer to CU really helped the rest of my time at Baylor, I was excited to go back to Colorado and enjoyed the last couple of months in Waco. I started to deal with my problems, which was good. Going back to Colorado for the first month or so was also really good. I was biking a ton and really loved it.

Summer 2010 was awful. I was having a good time working out and biking a ton, but I eventually hit a wall, and my struggles changed completely. The first time I remember eating compulsively was after I had invited high school friends over to hang out and have dinner at my house. I don’t remember what it was, but I was already extremely emotionally unstable and the night didn’t go like I wanted it. That sparked something and I recognized how lonely I really was. I felt terrible about myself, and hated who I was. It spun me into a depression for several days and I began to compulsively eat a ton of food that I hadn’t allowed myself to eat before. This trend continued throughout the summer of doing fine when I exercising, but recognizing how broken I was and not knowing how to respond. I would exercise and get by, but when I didn’t exercise I would gorge myself with food and spin myself into a deep depression that would usually last three days. I would begin to exercise again, which would help, but I still felt no joy in my life.

My first semester at CU was also really hard. I was still really struggling with the binge eating and I was still really struggling with depression. I remember several times feeling so depressed and hopeless that I didn’t know what to do so I would just get in my car and drive home feeling completely worthless and would breakdown by the time I got home. I would lie in bed sobbing, desperately praying for the Lord to save me from this pain and begging to feel his love while at the same time wishing that I wasn’t alive. It was the hardest time of my life. If I hadn’t seen Christ working slowly in my life I don’t know if I would have made it.

My first semester at CU also brought hope into my life. Even though it was a very difficult time, I saw a ton of growth. I started recognizing God in my life and began to have faith in what he was doing. AGO played a huge role. The loneliness I felt slowly began to disappear as I started developing great relationships, especially within my pledge class. God has blessed me so much with those relationships and I could not be more thankful. I was also able to start taking meds for the depression, which helped me work at the root of the depression.

My first active semester was so redeeming. Christ taught me so much, and gave me such a desire to know him better. I read a ton of books about who God is and was able to work at camp that following summer. I was still dealing with depression, but I saw so much hope in my life, and Christ gave me joy again. The deep loneliness I had felt continued to disappear, and I was able to impact campers lives and the lives of guys in the fraternity. I was able to pursue Christ, and he began to restore my self-confidence.

I was also able to go back to camp and be a counselor for a full summer. This was such a blessing. Camp is such an incredible place, and it was really hard for me to not be able to go work between my freshman and sophomore year. It was a really hard summer, but it was so incredible to be able to have an impact on kids lives like guys had done for me.

I had been pursuing Kirstie for several months, even though she had said early that she wasn’t interested in a relationship. I really liked her, and thought he actions showed that she was interested in me as well. I was torn about whether or not to tell her I liked her and finally decided to go for it. I have had very limited experience with expressing my feelings toward girls. I only remember ever asking one out on a date, at camp, and she said no. So it was difficult for me to get up the courage to do so. When I told her and she didn’t reciprocate, it was pretty tough. It wasn’t easy to hear that she didn’t feel the same way, but the hardest part of that experience was that I felt somewhat hopeless when it came to girls and had to deal with rejection and how I view myself.

I had the incredible opportunity to work at camp as leadership last summer. It was so ridiculous for me to think about the men who had previously held the position and I couldn’t believe I was filling their role. It was an incredible summer, very difficult, but so worth it. I have never been more exhausted and drained in my life. But the opportunity to serve the staff and the campers was so awesome. God taught me so much last summer and again I am so thankful for the opportunities he has given to me.

Late junior year I made the decision to go off the meds. I stopped taking them in June, and that was such a huge blessing. I am very thankful that I was able to take them to get myself back on track and deal with the roots of my depression better, but it was so incredible to look back on the year and a half I was on them and see how much God had worked in my life. I was a completely different from the person who came to CU. Christ has redeemed my life so much, and I am so thankful.

This past semester has been interesting to say the least. I took on too many responsibilities when I got a job working at Macy’s. I took the job simply because I wanted more money, and would eventually regret it. I never thought about what I would have to sacrifice to do well in school and work a job. The first thing to go was my responsibilities as chaplain. I didn’t put in the time like I had wanted, and really don’t think I did a very good job leading bible studies. I eventually quit Macys quite abruptly and felt pretty bad about it; I know I burdened the people I was working with. There are a lot of things I would redo this past semester. But God has been teaching me the importance of balance, and I can see how much more balanced in life I am than the past several years.

The relationships that I have in AGO are so good, I am so blessed to be able to spend time with guys that love Jesus and care about me. I never would have thought this place would have such a big impact on my life. The thought of leaving here to graduate is really hard, and one that I am slowly coming to terms with. God has been so good. I look back on the past several years, and I am a completely different person. God’s love is so evident in my life.