My life

Place + major events

Pennsylvania

April 28 1985 - August 1987

Birth

April 28 1985

Nevada

August 1987 - September 1990

California

September 1990 - 1992

This period of two years feels like much longer in my memory. Why?

Dad leaves

October 1990

I had just started kindergarten.
I remember feeling curiously detached. I don't remember being upset.

Sexual abuse

1991 - June 1992

Mom marries Joe

1991

Snohomish, WA

1992 - 1999

I think right after we moved here is the last time Joe molested me.

Bonney Lake, WA

1999 - July 2003

The house I would grow to hate.

Kentucky

July 2003 - July 2004

Started getting treatment for depression, took antidepressants. Got my first job at McDonalds, but was only there about a week...

Colorado

July 2004 - July 2005

break up with Randy

June 2005

He decides to leave me. We still live together. He is still fucking me.
This is a massively destructive and chaotic event, over the course of a month or two? Incredible pain, anger, and a taste (?) of liberation.

PLU dorm

September 2005 - June 2006

living in a dorm, I felt extremely 'different' and alienated

Garfield St.

June 2006 - March 2008

This was immersion into my new life with Ola

I speak the truth

July 2007

I hadn't planned on it.. but on the way home from the family reunion in which I had felt such love, only tainted with the presence of the abuser, the truth made itself spoken. I broke through.

Tokyo

March 2008 - August 2008

"best year of my life," up to that point. Met Cliff, and Billy, and Kurt, and all the rest... chaos, drunken disasters, and so much fun

Tacoma

August 2008 - June 2009

I shared a studio with Cara in downtown Tacoma. My social life was dominated by her at this time.

Puerto Rico

January 2009

This is where the ultimate falling-out with Cara occurred. She was revealed to me as a manipulative, lying, broken person whom I could not help.

Realization - rage and revenge

March 2009

I had a breakthrough where I realized the intense hatred and rage I felt towards my abuser (and the society at large that fostered such sickness); I realized that I wanted revenge. I owned my feelings and gave myself permission to act on them. This freedom included the freedom to act violently, but when I had the choice, I chose not to.

Spanaway

June 2009 - June 2010

Here is where I first started getting back into life in Parkland, building a new social life for myself

Realization - sexuality

December 2009

Mark came to visit me at my place. He brought meth, and I tried it with him. We talked all night. I felt awake and alive and full of energy (of course). When he left, he gave me some kind of very strong painkiller and told me they would ease the coming-down. I was filled with ecstasy mixed with pain... and somewhere in there, I realized the nature of my own sexuality; i.e. the fact that I was a 'submissive' and a masochist in some sense. I fully realized and accepted this revelation, and resolved to act on it.

Blue House

June 1 2010 - June 1 2013

Happiness in community, stability, and a true feeling of home

Nepal

November 2010

Kopan Monastery... I think around this time is when I was first able to see Joe as a human rather than a monster.

Liisa house <3

May 15 2013 - August 20 2013

Rejection by birth parents

June 14 2013

Amsterdam

August 20 2013 - June 2015

Epiphany!

March 28 2014

realized structural dissociation of my personality

School & Work

Kindergarten

1990 - September 1990

1st grade

1991 - 1992

2nd through 8th grade

1992 - 1999

Sumner Middle School

1999 - 2000

Sumner Senior High

2000 - 2003

Major Trauma - loss of friends

2002

In one fell swoop I lost everything that was dear to me, all my hopes and dreams, all the adventures of youth.
I wanted them to come talk to me, to try to make it better, but no one did. I felt so betrayed and abandoned. Like no one really cared that much. Then I was 'replaced' by Crystal, and life went on without me...

McDonalds

June 2004 - June 2005

first job - gave me a sense of pride and accomplishment that I could master something, and successfully appear 'normal'

PLU

September 2005 - May 2010

Baskin-Robbins

May 2006 - November 2010

It was good here for a few years, then turned crappy.

Greater Lakes

August 2011 - February 2013

At first this was a good learning experience for me, then it became exhausting, and finally traumatizing.

Trauma - Mark, Samantha, Brittany

December 2012

UvA

September 2013 - June 2015

Relationships

Ben

2001 - 2002

Randy

July 2004 - June 2005

Ola

2006 - March 2008

Cliff

May 2008

Billy

June 2008

Paolo

August 2008

Mark

October 2008

Justin

November 2008 - March 2009

Logan

May 2009

Ola

May 2010 - May 2011

Jeff

March 20 2012 - August 20 2013

Patrick

December 2013

Babak

2-20-2014

Friendships

Anna

September 1990 - 1992

I remember I made her play 'husband and wife' with me... which was just lying in bed with our legs scissor-ing each other. I don't remember any actual sensations attached.
Later I would remember that I had done this with her (she didn't like the game), and felt ashamed.

Whitney, Chelsea, Joyce???

1992

Pearl

1993 - 1995

Aubrey, Abby

1995 - 1996

Realization - abuse

August 1995

Sometime around here I realized for the first time that abuse had occurred - something called 'sexual abuse' - and it also occurred to me that he might do it again. I became hypervigilant and protective of others I thought might become victims - I remember thinking I shouldn't let Abby be alone with him.
I thought that it was too late to tell my mom. I didn't want my mom to be all alone because of me.

Also: sometime around here, age 10 (I presume before the realization of abuse, but I'm not sure), I remember coming awake for the first time... as in, self-aware. I became aware of being aware of myself. I remember I was outside, swinging and playing in the sun. I felt it as a strange and unique moment.

Andrea, Ashley

1996 - 1997

Catherine, Chelsea

August 1997 - 1999

Nadine

1999 - 2002

Cheyanne, Rose

2000 - 2002

Thin Forums

2002 - July 2004

My only social contact was through this site, obsessed with the eating disorder

Faye, Princess Ai

September 2005 - June 2006

Cara

February 2006 - January 2009

Drew, Tally

2010 - 2012

The first truly nurturing female connections I had felt in a long time...

Kelly, Naomi, Claire

June 2011 - June 2013

2nd year at the Blue House, with 3 of those who would become my dearest friends...

Symptoms

tics, phobias, OCD, psychosomatic stuff, compulsive masturbation

1992 - 2000

life revolved around eating disorder

2000 - July 2004