This period of two years feels like much longer in my memory. Why?
I had just started kindergarten.
I remember feeling curiously detached. I don't remember being upset.
I think right after we moved here is the last time Joe molested me.
The house I would grow to hate.
Started getting treatment for depression, took antidepressants. Got my first job at McDonalds, but was only there about a week...
He decides to leave me. We still live together. He is still fucking me.
This is a massively destructive and chaotic event, over the course of a month or two? Incredible pain, anger, and a taste (?) of liberation.
living in a dorm, I felt extremely 'different' and alienated
This was immersion into my new life with Ola
I hadn't planned on it.. but on the way home from the family reunion in which I had felt such love, only tainted with the presence of the abuser, the truth made itself spoken. I broke through.
"best year of my life," up to that point. Met Cliff, and Billy, and Kurt, and all the rest... chaos, drunken disasters, and so much fun
I shared a studio with Cara in downtown Tacoma. My social life was dominated by her at this time.
This is where the ultimate falling-out with Cara occurred. She was revealed to me as a manipulative, lying, broken person whom I could not help.
I had a breakthrough where I realized the intense hatred and rage I felt towards my abuser (and the society at large that fostered such sickness); I realized that I wanted revenge. I owned my feelings and gave myself permission to act on them. This freedom included the freedom to act violently, but when I had the choice, I chose not to.
Here is where I first started getting back into life in Parkland, building a new social life for myself
Mark came to visit me at my place. He brought meth, and I tried it with him. We talked all night. I felt awake and alive and full of energy (of course). When he left, he gave me some kind of very strong painkiller and told me they would ease the coming-down. I was filled with ecstasy mixed with pain... and somewhere in there, I realized the nature of my own sexuality; i.e. the fact that I was a 'submissive' and a masochist in some sense. I fully realized and accepted this revelation, and resolved to act on it.
Happiness in community, stability, and a true feeling of home
Kopan Monastery... I think around this time is when I was first able to see Joe as a human rather than a monster.
realized structural dissociation of my personality
In one fell swoop I lost everything that was dear to me, all my hopes and dreams, all the adventures of youth.
I wanted them to come talk to me, to try to make it better, but no one did. I felt so betrayed and abandoned. Like no one really cared that much. Then I was 'replaced' by Crystal, and life went on without me...
first job - gave me a sense of pride and accomplishment that I could master something, and successfully appear 'normal'
It was good here for a few years, then turned crappy.
At first this was a good learning experience for me, then it became exhausting, and finally traumatizing.
I remember I made her play 'husband and wife' with me... which was just lying in bed with our legs scissor-ing each other. I don't remember any actual sensations attached.
Later I would remember that I had done this with her (she didn't like the game), and felt ashamed.
Sometime around here I realized for the first time that abuse had occurred - something called 'sexual abuse' - and it also occurred to me that he might do it again. I became hypervigilant and protective of others I thought might become victims - I remember thinking I shouldn't let Abby be alone with him.
I thought that it was too late to tell my mom. I didn't want my mom to be all alone because of me.
Also: sometime around here, age 10 (I presume before the realization of abuse, but I'm not sure), I remember coming awake for the first time... as in, self-aware. I became aware of being aware of myself. I remember I was outside, swinging and playing in the sun. I felt it as a strange and unique moment.
My only social contact was through this site, obsessed with the eating disorder
The first truly nurturing female connections I had felt in a long time...
2nd year at the Blue House, with 3 of those who would become my dearest friends...